A few weeks ago a binge watched ABC’s “How To Get Away with Murder.” And it got me thinking about the ways, sometimes dastardly, people get away with murder at work. I am not talking about the actual act of killing someone at work. Although I am sure that may have crossed the minds of a few people you have come across. But over the years I have noticed how some people seem to get away with knowing little and doing very little at work. Meanwhile the hardworking, honest, diligent Dilbert’s of the world fall behind on promotions and salary increases. So I have compiled a list of tips and tricks in case you too want to get away with murder at work.
Cloak and Dagger
Source: Drew Leavy
- Never wear a coat. I know it sounds strange but if you never wear a coat or suit jacket, no one will know if you are coming or going. This works especially well in winter. However, be prepared to be cold if you leave the building.
- Always carry a notepad and your mobile phone. It will look like you are always going to a meeting even if it’s just a Starbucks run.
- Type on your smart phone while walking towards the elevators or the exit. It looks like you are really busy and no one will want to disturb you to ask you where you are going.
- Hang your coat and or gym bag in the closet on a different floor than the one you work on. This makes leaving for the day less obvious. Just pop down the stairwell like you are heading to a meeting on another floor.
- If you like to drink but can’t leave the office, fill an empty Scope or Listerine bottle with your favorite clear alcohol (gin, vodka, grain alcohol). Then mix it with some blue and green food dye. Now its happy hour all the time. People will think you just like to have fresh breath all the time.
- Join a gym near the office. Even if you never go once, establish the need for a regular work-out schedule (lunch-time or late afternoon) with your boss. She or he will come to expect you to be at the gym and will probably look for someone else for that emergency. Consistency is key so don’t hang out at your desk during that time and be sure to be out of sight.
Flattery Will Get You Everywhere
- Train your daughter or son to say, “You were right mommy, she is the prettiest in the office” at the next “Take Your Child to Work Day.” This usually works well when the child is under 10 years old and you have a gullible boss. If the child is any older than that it just sounds creepy. Now your boss thinks she knows what you discuss when you are not in the office.
- Do your homework before you have a meeting with your new supervisor. Find out where they went to college and worked before their current position. Never underestimate the power of, “Wow you went to University of Texas? Aren’t they the number one public school in the country? You must have been so smart to get into that school.” This could potentially to give you a pass on any future screw up.
- Do some philanthropic research on the top executives of the firm. Find out what charity they give their money and time to. Join the volunteer team for that charity and you will get the opportunity most don’t get: spending time, one-on one, with an executive. They will definitely admire your interest and even consent to being a mentor. Even your boss may not want to upset you if you socialize with the CFO.
Social Behavior Modification
- Appearing sporadically unbalanced could keep those away who want to give you boing, routine assignments. It’s natural for people to want to stay clear of unpredictable people. Caution as you still need to be good at your main job or they may just dispense with you altogether.
- Avoid being too helpful to colleagues in other departments. You do not want to be the one other people recommend for help. While it may be against your nature not to help, getting a reputation for being the one to fix things that are not in your job spec can ruin you. Or consider being incompetent at those mundane tasks so you are never asked again.
Source:Elstudio
- Consider having children or even fictitious children. Piano recitals, soccer games and ballet practice drop offs are the perfect excuse to leave at 5pm. Unfortunately for single people it doesn’t appear that you have an excuse to leave early. Also a sick child at home is the perfect excuse for a day off from work. Just don’t ruin it by letting the child stay home from school.
FACETIME AT WORK
- If your boss works late in the evening, stay late enough at work to be entitled to reimbursed dinner allowance. Wait 10 minutes after the boss leaves then leave for the evening. You will have to adjust your morning start so you don’t work a 10 hour day. Do this 3 to 4 days a week. He or she will think you are working late into the evening. And the bonus is you get free dinners.
- If your boss starts early, arrive shortly after him or her. Have breakfast, read the newspaper, surf the Internet. Chances are if they have an early start they will leave early. Then leave five minutes after they do. They will think you are a hard worker because you work the same hours they do.
- Compose an email to a colleague on a topic on Friday before you leave work and copy your boss. Use the manage message feature of your Outlook email system to delay the delivery of the message to Sunday or Saturday afternoon. It makes it look like you have been working the weekend. This trick works for late evenings too. Just make sure your boss is not to tech savvy or they may be on to you.
And while I do not personally condone the tips and tricks of this post, I’m sure you know someone who has engaged in some of these practices. So if this post awakened you to the practices of others, gave you ideas or just made you laugh, then I have succeeded.